lostaries

would be 93, my namesake.

i'm sure he'd be disapproving by now.  running so far away.  removing myself from so much.

morality is still there, and i still can instill those thoughts, even if i have not walked the walk.

am i tempting too much with this new woman?  or am i seeking means to slow myself down?  if i hit that 1% chance i could be in awkward relationships for the rest of my life. 

but are not all these flings considered awkward? am i forcing myself into an opportunity to only be with those i'm willing to be honest with, and who would have to be honest with me?

is she someone i want to be honest with?  so far i have, and i believe she has, but she is openly not willing to commit to more than monogamy.

what more do i wish for?  am i still on some post marital quest?

i... i need some time.  but i also want to wake up next to someone.  my loneliness and hopeless romanticism is beckoning me to approve of the normally disapproved.  it amazes me what i've been willing to give up and what i've found myself reaching for.

perhaps a little bit of crazy is all i need to tempt my sanity, it certainly does make me feel like i know what i'm doing and am definitely in control.  why must i have that control?  have i always been this scared?

i think so.

Central seeking.  Moving all thoughts away and towards where they belong.  It is not here.  I cannot be one with this world.  I must move my mind elsewhere, for the sake of sanity and clout.  I will not stoop to the level of disrespect that is forced upon me.

Why is there no pride in living? Or cheerfulness is being?  Why is there only outrage? Why are there only insulting ways?

How can so many see the world as so negative?  I wonder when the world did them wrong.  I blame their mother.  She obviously has the gift to teach such meanness.  She calls it blunt.  What it is is rude.  She cannot grasp the way others interpret her.  She cannot understand that there are others with more responsibility than she and somehow they manage to be kind people.

She thinks she’s done it all.  She cares so little for her kids and for her kids’ kids.  It’s embarrassing.  As cold and calculating as I feel in regards to others,  at least my goal is to spread joy.  Better yet, to see it around me.

Never have I wanted for others to be miserable or sad. Never have I wanted to take joy from someone.  Always I have wanted to put my best foot forward, even if in jest or placation.

And her husband bows down to her ways. There is nothing he can do. He is scared of the world around him.  He is insecure.  All he has is money. And money cannot buy respect no matter which high class country club you’re a part of.

They curse each other behind their backs.  There’s not a trustworthy one in the lot.

I will not see my child raised amongst their hatred.  My child will be taught to appreciate others, and for that he must not remain near them.

My outward sadness is seen as anger, and I do not wish that.  I look to find a way to illustrate a contentment, a happiness, a joy upon today.  If for no one else than my wife.  She deserves it.  She would fall upon my failure.  She would be sucked back into their wickedness and forget that she was ever able to see it from an outside perspective.

I must overcome.  I do not have to enjoy these people.  I do not even have to respect these people.  As hard as it will be to do so, I will find a way.

We know that they will not.

I sincerely hope that if I try to be a happier soul around them they will not see it as weakness and attack as they always do.  There is no kindness amongst this family, and I must try to move on.

I do believe in the next 2 years I will find a way out.  Yes, leaving now is an option, but it breaks bonds between my wife and her family, which as much as I would love to do, that would be a bit more arrogant than I am capable of.  I’ll finish what I started as promised although what was promised me no longer remains.

I will be the bigger person.  I will not forgive.  I will not forget.  I will not suppress any real anger, I will only make it go away.  I have to realize that they cannot help it. It is what they were taught.  They know not how to socialize.  Nor do they know how to empathize.  They seek a fight within every conversation.  Even upon a conclusion, they will always refer to the fight. 

It makes me want to be a better parent.  Seeing this way of teaching an entire family to hate.  To be disrespectful.  I look forward to testing what I’ve learned with my own child to see if it is in the blood that is now unfortunately within him, or in a person’s surroundings.

Nature or nurture.  Let’s hope that it is the latter and I can bring joy to at least one member of the family.  It is sad that it means I will have to take him away from all of them.

I hope that between his mother and I we can teach him to see the good in others.  Even them.  Hopefully that will only be tested seldom, and not for long periods of time.

I do not want their social poisons dripped into his ear, tainting his mind, and altering completely his relationship with me.

Where to turn? What to do? I seek only my thoughts and observations to help me.

never again

will I commit myself to someone who will not commit to me,

will I be myself when myself is not who they want me to be,

will I be proud of what I do when those I do it for are not proud of me.

never again

will I fight to make things better with those who want them worse,

will I worry about my actions in front of those who only put me down,

will I go out of my way for those who want me out of theirs.

never again

will I let those who want to get to me know that they have,

will I defend myself against someone who does not care to hear the truth,

will I walk into a fight already defeated.

when less is more, silence prevails. 

when less is more, impatience fails.

when less is more, solemnly I grace this earth.

when less is more, I will be all that remains.

above this mayhem I stride for more. they pull at my conscience, trying to bring me down. I will not allow myself to concede to their level. this is my world, my terrain.  the mind is only controlled by me. petty squirrels dig upon my skin and I will let nothing grow.

the last two nights as i have lay down i have seriously hoped to not have to wake up.
everything is going so well. maybe my mind is trying to lead me out on a high note.

the last two mornings my wife and child have been gone when i awoke.

as expected. headed off to a special work week and a babysitter (usually she works at home).

last night i dreamt that my wife went on a tantrum of telling me all the guys she had been with
and how they were all random people
and none of it mattered to anyone but me.

in my dream i choked her. throwing her to the floor.

awakening i was scared. she was still there and i knew it had only been a dream.

something is haunting me. something is troubling me. i am scared that i cannot suppress it.

but i will try.

tomorrow i go to get my back screened for joint failures (i suppose)
then my blood will be tested for rheumatoids.

i am too young to have a blood condition. especially one that entails my blood cells are eating my joints away.

but that's just life, right? surely it's not getting me down.
surely i would recognize that.  surely i am strong enough to understand that there is nothing i could do.

emotionally.

i wrote my father a letter. i thought about posting it. i thanked him for everything i never thanked him for before.

i am scared if my blood is attacking my joints that i will not be able to kick a football, or run, or toss a baseball with my young son.

and i am scared he would hold that against me until he was old enough to understand.

cause that's exactly what i did. and i don't want to have to waith more than 2 decades for him to understand.

and reminding myself of all the things that are wrong. when i am too happy or too sad i have to remind myself of the goals i created that keep me in check.

so i read.

i read all the things that bother others and wish this communication was something more than random and anonymous and impersonal.

i want to get to know people and let someone understand the way that i am.

but that doesn't work for me. i'm too much of a placator. too big of a hoax. i fake it.

and love it.

if i were to be able to sit down and talk to anyone about the way i wish the world was i would absolutely have to move on and get rid of that person in my life immediately afterwards.

or move on myself, which would be more interesting.

instead, i'm trying to live my anonymous life in one place. with life-goals and plans.

all the while focused on the things that are most important to me. making others happy through the belief that i am.

i'm still learning my control. i'm still learning my place. i'm still trying out new methods. but today is a sad day, and these are easier than happy days because happy is easy to fake when you're not.

it's the coming down off of those happy emotions that kill me. that's hard to fake. it's hard to fake the plateau you were just on.

drunk and alone.
my wife is off to spain to enjoy the rain this week.
my child is nested with his abuelos.

if they were taken from me, and this were not by choice,
obviously this would not be the ongoing life i would have.

but would my emotions change?

were i to be sad, could i show it?
would i know it?

you would. wouldn't you.

certainly i would tell you of a heartache
of a sadness
of an uncontrollable madness that had overcome my being.

but would it be true?

subscribe to love, or anger or joy or tears
and a payment is due.

enlist yourself to pay the price for any emotion
and all will be included on your trip
and you'll be so far away and i'll stay within my mind
having canceled my membership.

emotion be gone
but not my life

sadness no more,
but the price is love.

sold my soul for something more.

and i'm still waiting to see what it is.

perhaps in the bottom of another bottle









edit: i have put this in my own journal as i do not know if it will be saved or not. perhaps i'm just too intoxicated to know... ;)
-obviously i posted for the attention, but isn't that what the communities are for?

the heart was trained to win
the mind was trained to listen
emotion has always carried the lead
and i need a change within me

my biggest problems
my biggest fears
have all begun from the heart
and have been solved with thought

a fear of spiders
or an awkward first glace
lack of confidence
or jealousy

all are portrayed from emotion
and must all be solved with insight
all are weaknesses
and must be overcome

common sense
intelligence
self-awareness
or intuition

all are contained within reason
and must never be interfered with by emotion
all are strengths
and must be exploited

too many times and all too often
has emotion led to negative things

religion, war, jealousy, pity

so common is it that we admire thought
and follow behind those that show it

but the weak-minded follow their hearts
and can easily be led astray
even in their own minds
in other people's fantasies

convinced without reason
sure about a belief
the ignorance of proof
the avoidance of truth

the more often i watch this world and read about those in it, truer becomes my observation and my reality. this emotion is of a different breed. a past mutation to bring the world to a new place, some thousands of years ago. we have already arrived. why not move on? 

i cannot stand to watch more fall victim to the tirades of religion. jealousy and falsehood, curiosity and belief without proof are the bane of mankind today.

yet there is so little i can do. 

i'm seen as such a liar when i absolve my emotion, but to live in this world you must at least show the proper emotion for the proper response to be taken.

if i want someone to know they have done me wrong, i cannot state it. i must show it. i must consciously raise my voice and declare in an elevated voice "i am angry!" yet it only makes me feel bad for doing so.

if something is so wonderful that it makes the world seem a decent place you cannot state "this is good" but rather you have to rejoice with laughter and exultations and say "this makes me happy!" yet it only leads to the comparison of that to other things.

this outlet, this journal, this chance to get into my head and evaluate myself, it is good.

my confidence is up. my family life is better. my wife is happy. she thinks that i am too.

it's not that i'm not happy. if i were to evaluate, that would be exactly what i am. and that is exactly what i would demonstrate to any passersby through the expression on my face.

sheer, stupid happiness.

when you're the angry or sad person, people do not respond to you. you get negative feedback, and i don't see any reason why people need to be addressed with anything less than a smile to invoke their happy emotions.

damn sheep.

but if you're standing in queue with anyone else in this world for long enough to strike up a conversation take note of the tone with which they will begin that conversation if you do not.

they are so much more comfortable with the negatives. it's a universal conversation and it breeds togetherness.

"what a bunch of non-sense having to queue like this, they should hire more people..."

if you come back with a positive statement, e.g. "i'm certain they're doing their best"

...well you've killed the conversation. but if you answer "they're idiots, what are they thinking? i've got so many things i could be doing"

...that conversation will last and you'll end up being buds sharing a pint by week's end discussing other negatives from around the world.

you start the conversation "wonderful weather we're having"
they'll either agree and move on, or bring up a storm and the terrible wind they were hit by the day before.

the world's made up of assholes and my desperate need to get rid of this cancerous emotion that plagues my days and my mind make me out to be one of the biggest jerks some have ever heard of.

bollocks. i'll stick to my reason. i'll continue to enjoy the happy people in this world. the interesting people. those that have a focus and are unaltered by the state of everyone else.